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Cue Sheets
Cue Sheets





Mark's Notebook

It's not that I'm surrounded by incompetence that bothers me, it's that I fit in so well.

Keyword : Humor

Look, Mum, I've bought a car on eBay for £9,000

Telegraph UK

Tuesday 26 September 2006, 12:46 pm
Keywords: Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

A three-year-old boy used his mother's computer to buy a £9,000 car on the internet auction site eBay.

Jack Neal's parents only discovered their son's successful bid when they received a congratulations message from the website about the Barbie pink Nissan Figaro.

"So we checked and saw it was a Barbie pink car which we'd bought for £8,999. We flew into a panic."

The next morning Jack woke and told his parents: "I've bought a car."

Mrs Neal, of Sleaford, Lincs, said she thought she had left her eBay password in her computer.

She said: "Jack's a whizz on the PC and just pressed all the right buttons."


Real Life Simpsons Intro


Friday 10 March 2006, 12:29 pm
Keywords: Humor
(Link to this article alone)

A real-life Simpsons video. Not bad ...


The Joke Is on Katrina

Los Angeles Times

Wednesday 1 March 2006, 10:35 am
Keywords: Katrina Hurricane Relief , Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

"Chasing after Moses, the Pharaoh came to the shore of the parted Red Sea, cast his eyes toward the heavens and asked God, 'Lord, may we also cross?' God replied, 'Sure, Pharaoh. I don't see why not. The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers swears the walls are secure and it won't flood.' "

— Joke told by engineers in New Orleans

"I just got back from Vegas. You'd think the people in Las Vegas would be different than us here in New Orleans, but they're not.

They're all walking around saying, 'I lost everything. I lost the car. I lost the house ...' "

— Comic Jodi Borrello, performing in front of shipyard workers

"I Stayed in New Orleans for Katrina and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt, a New Cadillac and a Plasma TV."

— We really saw this T-shirt in New Orleans

"Being an evacuee changes every aspect of your life, doesn't it? It changes your dating life, I can tell you that much. I'm in Houston and I'm talking to this woman, and things are going pretty well. I said, 'You want to go back to my place?' She said, 'Sure, I'd love to.' I said, 'Yeah, so would I.' "

— Comic Strecker, performing at Lucy's


Reasons computers must be female

Sunday 19 February 2006, 3:14 pm
Keywords: Humor
(Link to this article alone)

Eddie N told me this joke at the men's retreat. I liked this one the best:

The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

You can find the rest of them here ...

TV Theology

USA Today

Sunday 19 February 2006, 1:27 pm
Keywords: Humor , Christian Topics , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

Watch for reincarnation Hindu-esque style if an Ashton Kutcher-produced sitcom lands on TV in the fall. For Pete's Sake is actually an interfaith goof: St. Peter plays bouncer at the Pearly Gates, sending five main characters off to rebirth instead of hell, garbling both Christian and Hindu theology.

After all, there's no law that TV or movies must teach correct doctrine, says Dick Staub, a writer on faith and culture for Christianity Today online.


Mark sez: You mean the Jesus on South Park isn't the real Jesus?

Drunk Drivers' Penalty: Play Mahjong

San Francisco Chronicle, AP News

Friday 17 February 2006, 1:01 pm
Keywords: Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

Drunk drivers in Taiwan can now choose their penalty: Pay a fine or play mahjong with the elderly.

Playing the popular Chinese tile game of mahjong with token money has taught offenders to love and care for the elderly.


Paw and Order: Meet Fred, undercover kitten

San Francisco Chronicle, AP News

Friday 10 February 2006, 11:28 am
Keywords: Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

By Tom Hays, Associated Press Writer

Authorities on Wednesday introduced the 8-month-old former stray cat that posed as a would-be patient while police investigated a college student accused of treating pets without a license.

At a news conference, Fred sported a tiny badge on his collar as he posed for photos with owner Carol Moran, a prosecutor.

Fred shared the spotlight with Burt the Boston terrier, an alleged victim of Steven Vassall, 28, who was arrested last week and released on $2,500 bail.

Burt's owner, Raymond Reid, contacted authorities after the dog survived a botched operation. In hindsight, he said, he should have been suspicious of a veterinarian who only made house calls and treated animals at an undisclosed location.


Somebody turn it off!

San Francisco Chronicle, AP News

Thursday 9 February 2006, 11:13 am
Keywords: Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

Our new microwave oven beeps every 30 seconds until you take your finished food out. I thought that was obnoxious enough, until I read this ...

Stuck foghorn wails every few minutes

Associated Press

The tranquility of Monterey has been disturbed by a foghorn stuck at the end of the Coast Guard pier. The switch is stuck on "on" and nobody in the area knows how to fix it, Petty Officer 1st Class Lance Benedict said Tuesday.

So the foghorn wails every few minutes.

The foghorn and accompanying light at the end of the Coast Guard Pier off Lighthouse Avenue are meant to prevent water travelers from running into the breakwall, Benedict said.

During foggy conditions earlier in the week, the horn was turned on.

"We are just a search-and-rescue part of the Coast Guard," Benedict said, noting the Coast Guard's repair staff is based in San Francisco. They have been notified but it's unclear when the team will arrive, Benedict said.

Man gets wallet back after nearly 40 years

San Francisco Chronicle, AP News

Wednesday 1 February 2006, 5:06 pm
Keywords: Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

Associated Press

A man is being reacquainted with his past after a Utah family returned a wallet he lost at a gas station nearly 40 years ago.

Schmitt apparently lost the wallet at a gas station in Logan, Utah, in the spring of 1967, when he stopped to fill up his 1955 Austin Healy. The station's owner stashed it in a drawer, presumably hoping the person would come back.

Ted Nyman, of Logan, found it decades later while cleaning out his father-in-law's estate. He tracked Schmitt down through the Internet, and last week mailed the wallet 2,158 miles across the country.

The beige wallet still held $5 in cash, a traffic ticket, 8-cent airmail stamps and Doug Schmitt's freshman ID card from Utah State University. The wallet also had photos of Schmitt's high-school girlfriends and a dry-cleaning receipt.

As an antiques dealer, Schmitt is accustomed to digging through other people's attics for wartime letters and other personal histories. He never expected someone else to pore over his past.

"It's just so wonderful that people will take the time to research that, then return something to someone they don't even know," said his wife, Vickie Schmitt.

Guinness ice cream

Boston Globe

Thursday 19 January 2006, 12:02 pm
Keywords: Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

A recipe for Guinness ice cream ...

But it has gluten in it ... doesn't it ???


Go to jail or go to church

Cincinnati Enquirer

Wednesday 18 January 2006, 12:21 am
Keywords: Humor , Christian Topics , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

By Dan Horn, Enquirer staff writer

A judge gave Brett Haines a choice Friday: Go to jail or go to church.

The Anderson Township man, convicted of disorderly conduct, immediately chose six weeks of Sunday worship over 30 days in the Hamilton County Justice Center. But there's a catch.

Haines, who was accused of using racial slurs and threatening a black cab driver, must attend services at a predominantly black church. "If you want to get out of jail, you're going to have to raise your black consciousness," the judge said.

Mallory said he was concerned about maintaining a separation between church and state, so he asked Haines whether the option would offend his beliefs. Haines said he was not a church-goer, but would like to give it a try.

The cab driver said he hoped the sentence would work, but he would have preferred Haines serve his 30 days. "Church don't change everybody," he said.


A Tail Of Revenge

San Francisco Chronicle, AP News

Monday 9 January 2006, 5:54 pm
Keywords: Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

FORT SUMNER, N.M. -- A mouse got back at a homeowner who tried to dispose of it in a pile of burning leaves. The blazing creature ran back to the man's house and set it on fire.

Luciano Mares, 81, of Fort Sumner said he caught the mouse inside his house and wanted to get rid of it.

"I had some leaves burning outside, so I threw it in the fire, and the mouse was on fire and ran back at the house," Mares said from a motel room Saturday.

Village Fire Chief Juan Chavez said the burning mouse ran to just beneath a window, and the flames spread up from there and throughout the house.

No was hurt inside, but the home and everything in it was destroyed.

What did I tell you!

Thursday 5 January 2006, 1:50 pm
Keywords: Humor , Christian Topics
(Link to this article alone)

In the Goncourt journals, Flaubert is reported as telling the tale of a man taken fishing by an atheist friend. The atheist casts the net and draws up a stone on which is carved: "I do not exist. Signed: God." And the atheist exclaims: "What did I tell you!"

Help comes on little cat feet

Associated Press

Tuesday 3 January 2006, 6:58 pm
Keywords: Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

Associated Press

Police say that a cat dialed 911 to help his fallen owner.

Police aren't sure how else to explain it. But when an officer walked into an apartment Thursday night to answer a 911 call, an orange-and-tan striped cat was lying by a telephone on the living room floor. The cat's owner, Gary Rosheisen, was on the ground near his bed having fallen out of his wheelchair.

Rosheisen said his cat, Tommy, must have hit the right buttons to call 911.

Rosheisen said he couldn't get up because of pain from osteoporosis and ministrokes that disrupt his balance. He also wasn't wearing his medical-alert necklace and couldn't reach a cord above his pillow that alerts paramedics that he needs help.

Daugherty said police received a 911 call from Rosheisen's apartment, but there was no one on the phone. Police called back to make sure everything was OK, and when no one answered, they decided to check things out. That's when Daugherty found Tommy next to the phone.

Rosheisen got the cat three years ago to help lower his blood pressure. He tried to train him to call 911, unsure if the training ever stuck.

The phone in the living room is always on the floor, and there are 12 small buttons -- including a speed dial for 911 right above the button for the speaker phone.

"He's my hero," Rosheisen said.

Angry Chihuahuas attack officer in Fremont

San Francisco Chronicle, AP News

Friday 30 December 2005, 1:33 pm
Keywords: Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

A pack of angry Chihuahuas attacked a police officer who was escorting a teenager home following a traffic stop, authorities said.

The officer suffered minor injuries including bites to his ankle on Thursday when the five Chihuahuas escaped the 17-year-old boy's home and rushed the officer in the doorway.

The officer was treated at a local hospital and returned to work less than two hours later, Veteran said.


Condom-covered Madonna embarrasses Catholic weekly

Yahoo News

Wednesday 28 December 2005, 8:43 pm
Keywords: Humor , Christian Topics , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

"Another issue may be Catholic priests' unfamiliarity with what condoms look like."


'Santa Pope' woos Vatican crowds

BBC News

Wednesday 28 December 2005, 8:40 pm
Keywords: Humor , Christian Topics , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

At a chilly St Peter's Square, the Pope draped a red cloak over his shoulders and covered his head with a red velvet hat lined with white fur.

Vatican officials said the hat, known as a camauro, has been part of the papal wardrobe since the 12th century. But it has not been worn in public since the death of John XXIII in 1963.

Although missing Father Christmas' trademark white furry bobble, the pope's timely discovery of the long-forgotten camauro seemed as much a nod to the season as to the chilly weather.


Rove Implicated In Santa Identity Leak

The Onion

Tuesday 27 December 2005, 12:18 pm
Keywords: Humor
(Link to this article alone)

WASHINGTON, DC—The recent leak revealing Santa Claus to be "your mommy and daddy" has been linked to President Bush's senior political adviser and deputy chief of staff Karl Rove.

The identity of the mythical holiday gift-giver, previously known only in grown-up circles, was published in the popular Timbertoes cartoon in the December issue of Highlights For Children. Jean Abrams, a conservative firebrand known to have close ties to Bush appointees in the Department of Education, revealed "Santa" to be a code name for anonymous parental gift-giving.

Abrams and several other children's-magazine journalists, including Ranger Rick's Kristin Brittany and Cricket managing editor Shaina Belowitz, have testified before a federal grand jury on the source of the leak. Sources say that Randall Polk, Washington bureau chief for Weekly Reader, named Rove after serving eight days in jail for refusing to divulge his sources.

The motivations behind the leak remain unclear, but some political observers have characterized it as a calculated act of retribution against Fairfax, VA second-grader Madison Harris. Harris, 7, wore an antiwar T-shirt to her elementary school during a Nov. 2 visit by Education Secretary Margaret Spellings.

"The shirt, decorated with doves and the word 'peace,' angered White House ideologues, who felt that Harris had undermined a tightly orchestrated visit," independent political media watchdog Ellen Applebee said. "An aggressive attempt to hit Harris where she lived was set in motion."


Battles rages over celebrating holidays

Yahoo News

Thursday 22 December 2005, 1:24 pm
Keywords: Humor , Christian Topics , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

By Ellen Wulfhorst

Fox News anchor John Gibson wrote a book "The War on Christmas: How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred Christian Holiday is Worse than You Thought."

Bah humbug, said radio talk show host Bill Press, author of "How the Republicans Stole Christmas." "People have been saying 'Happy Holidays' for a hundred years at least," he said. "This is nothing new. It just celebrates the diversity of America."

He blames politics. "It is all by design," he said. "The more people are talking about who's saying 'Happy Holidays' and who's saying 'Merry Christmas,' the less people are talking about Karl Rove, torture, Tom DeLay, the war in Iraq and other hot issues.

The debate has become comic grist. "Every time you say 'Happy Holidays,' an angel gets AIDS," warned television comedian Jon Stewart.


Santa's watching you; who's watching Santa?

Wednesday 21 December 2005, 9:03 pm
Keywords: Humor
(Link to this article alone)


Santa Robs Texas Bank

San Francisco Chronicle, AP News

Wednesday 21 December 2005, 12:20 pm
Keywords: Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

A man dressed as Old St. Nick walked into a Wachovia Bank in Arlington, Texas early Tuesday and told the teller he had a gun. No weapon was produced, and no one was injured in the heist.

He was wearing a red Santa jacket with white fur around the wrists and collar and black buttons, khaki pants and white tennis shoes. He had the matching hat — red with the fur brim.

During the robbery, he pulled the Santa hat over his eyes and looked out through two holes cut into the hat.


Alaska Man Builds 16-Foot Snowzilla

San Francisco Chronicle, AP News

Wednesday 21 December 2005, 12:17 pm
Keywords: Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

Anchorage, Alaska (AP) -- With the help of his kids and neighbors, Billy Ray Powers built more than just a snowman — they've dubbed his 16-plus-foot-tall creation "Snowzilla."

After using up all the snow in the family's yard, they turned to neighbors' yards and carried buckets on sleds. They hand-packed the snowman like an ice-cream cone.

It took a month to complete the project.


Activist Judge Cancels Christmas

The Onion

Tuesday 20 December 2005, 7:50 pm
Keywords: Humor , Christian Topics , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

In a sudden and unexpected blow to the Americans working to protect the holiday, liberal U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Stephen Reinhardt ruled the private celebration of Christmas unconstitutional Monday.

In addition to forbidding the celebration of Christmas in any form, Judge Reinhardt has made it illegal to say "Merry Christmas." Instead, he has ruled that Americans must say "Happy Holidays" or "Vacaciones Felices" if they wish to extend good tidings.

Within an hour of the judge's verdict, National Guard troops were mobilized to enforce the controversial ruling. Said Pvt. Stanley Cope: "We're fighting an unpopular war on Christmas, but what can we do? The military has no choice but to take orders from a lone activist judge."

"Why did the bad man take away Christmas?" 5-year-old Danny Dover said. "I made a card for my mommy out of paper and glue, and now I can't give it to her." Shortly after Dover issued his statement, police kicked down his door, removed his holiday tree, confiscated his presents, and crushed his homemade card underfoot.


Jar-Jar's Bible

Christianity Today

Tuesday 20 December 2005, 6:11 pm
Keywords: Humor , Christian Topics , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

I'm not sure if this is a joke or what, but this article by Nate Anderson in Christianity Today claims that the American Bible Society has translated "De Nyew Testament" into Gullah, an English Creole language spoken by 250,000 Americans in Georgia and the Carolinas.

We Fada wa dey een heaben,
leh ebrybody hona ya nyame.
We pray dat soon ya gwine
rule oba de wol.
Wasoneba ting ya wahn,
leh um be so een dis wol
same like dey een heaben.
Gii we de food wa we need
dis day yah an ebry day.
Fagib we fa we sin,
same like we da fagib dem people
wa do bad ta we.
Leh we dohn hab haad test
wen Satan try we.
Keep we fom ebil.

Is this for real?

County jail is being sold on eBay

Associated Press

Wednesday 30 November 2005, 8:39 am
Keywords: Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

Associated Press

HUNTSVILLE, MO. -- Along with concert tickets, sports memorabilia and designer handbags, add a Missouri jail to the list of things you can buy on eBay.

Randolph County officials have decided to sell their old jail on the auction site as soon as Wednesday. Bidding starts at $32,500, said Jim Myles, a county commissioner.

County leaders say they got the idea to sell the jail from neighboring Howard County, which sold its jail to a Los Angeles lawyer who plans to renovate it into a country getaway.

"After Howard County sold their jail, we were kind of jealous," said Myles. "We wished we had been first."

The two-story structure resembles a quaint home more than a secure lockdown That's because until 1989, the jail doubled as home to the county sheriff and his family, with a separate living quarters including a full kitchen and fireplace. The sheriff's wife even cooked meals for prisoners.

US Post Office Releases New Stamps Featuring Latin Dances

Saturday 5 November 2005, 3:55 pm
Keywords: Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

September 17, 2005

The US post office has released a set of dance stamps that include Merengue, Salsa, Cha Cha, & Mambo. On the back paper of the stamps is also included a brief factoid in both English & Spanish.

Kicking off National Hispanic Heritage month, Sept. 15-Oct. 15, the U.S. Postal Service dedicated the Let's DanceBailemos stamps which brings to life four sassy Latin dances. The 37-cent Let's DanceBailemos commemorative stamps are available nationwide today.

"At the Postal Service, we understand the power our stamps have in helping to celebrate American history and culture - in this case, the contributions of Latin American art and dance to American culture," said David L. Solomon, Vice President, Area Operations, New York Metro, U.S. Postal Service, who dedicated the stamps in New York.

"Now, people all around the country will be able to sway to the left and right, and accent their mail and packages with these high energy stamps that capture the enthusiasm of dancers moving to the beat," said Anita Bizzotto, Chief Marketing Officer and Executive Vice President, U.S. Postal Service, who dedicated the stamps in Miami.



Congatulation, You're "Way Retro"

Tuesday 1 November 2005, 12:53 pm
Keywords: Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

In secondhand store, woman finds prom dress she made 33 years ago

Associated Press


Marlene Wyatt went to a secondhand store to buy a Halloween costume last week. What she found could be just as scary: the prom dress she had made 33 years ago.

"I thought, this material looks familiar," Wyatt said. "Then I thought, 'Surely not' and finally, 'That's my dress!'"

Melissa Martin, proprietor of the Fashion Exchange, said she knew something special had happened because of the look on Wyatt's face.

"This is amazing," she said. "What are the odds of something like this happening?"

Wyatt, from Yellville, sewed the white double-knit polyester dress when she was in high school.

"We come from a large family, 12 kids," she said. "There were five girls at home at the time, so sewing my own clothes was helpful, but I always loved doing it." Wyatt said the dress has one of the first invisible zippers she ever sewed.

Martin opened the Fashion Exchange about a month ago. She doesn't remember where she got the dress, which she had labeled "Way Retro" in her inventory.

Wyatt now has it in her sewing room.

Carve your pumpkin online

Tuesday 1 November 2005, 12:45 pm
Keywords: Humor
(Link to this article alone)

Well, maybe it's a little late for this year ...


Happy Halloween

Monday 31 October 2005, 11:54 am
Keywords: Humor
(Link to this article alone)

Thanks to David Brandt for forwarding these to me!

Microwaves proven to cause brain damage

San Francisco Chronicle, AP News

Friday 28 October 2005, 12:28 pm
Keywords: Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

Women Brawl Over Using Microwave


A Walgreens employee allegedly stabbed a co-worker in an argument over who could microwave her soup first, authorities said.

Both women wanted to use the microwave in the employee break room Wednesday afternoon, according to the Broward County Sheriff's Office.

While they were fighting over who could use the microwave first, Mellesia Grant grabbed a large kitchen knife off the counter and stabbed Merloze Tilme in the abdomen, the sheriff's office said.


Church Agrees to Ban Swallowing Goldfish

San Francisco Chronicle, AP News

Friday 28 October 2005, 12:22 pm
Keywords: Humor , Christian Topics , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

Florence, Ala. (AP)

The First Assembly of God Church has agreed to discontinue its practice of swallowing live goldfish as part of its Fear Factor ministry.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has asked for a ban on the practice.

As part of the Fear Factor ministry at the church, teenage participants were asked to swallow live goldfish. No one reportedly became ill during the goldfish phase of the program that concludes this week.

Youth minister Anthony Martin said earlier the goal of the exercise was to teach teens about fear.

PETA thanked the church for the ban by sending a gift basket of vegan Swedish fish, a gummy candy, as an alternative to live fish.


Please don't drink and fly

San Francisco Chronicle, AP News

Friday 28 October 2005, 12:18 pm
Keywords: Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

Superman Hospitalized After Leap

GRAZ, Austria

A man who claimed he was Superman and could fly was hospitalized early Tuesday after leaping from a fourth-floor window, authorities said.

They said the man — who apparently had drunk several bottles of red wine before attempting the jump — appeared at the window ledge at around 4 a.m. and shouted: "I am Superman! Nothing can happen to me!"


New SMS Translation of the Bible

Wednesday 12 October 2005, 11:54 am
Keywords: Humor , Christian Topics , Computer Topics
(Link to this article alone)

The world's most famous book, which has been translated into more languages than any other publication, is now available in the world's most modern form of communication, SMS or text.

The idea, believed to be a world first, has come from the Bible Society in Australia which translated all 31,173 verses of the Bible into text.

It took just one person about four weeks to convert the entire new and old testaments to text.

The society used the Contemporary English Version and remained faithful to the grammar, changing just the spelling of the words.


In da Bginnin God cre8d da heavens & da earth. (Genesis 1)

God luvd da ppl of dis wrld so much dat he gave his only Son, so dat evry1 who has faith in him will have eternal life & neva really die. (John 3:16)

U, Lord, r my shepherd. I will neva be in need. U let me rest in fields of green grass. U lead me 2 streams of peaceful water. (Psalm 23)



Groom, Family Jailed After Melee


Friday 16 September 2005, 11:24 am
Keywords: Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

New York

A groom spent his wedding night in jail with his father, his brother his father-in-law and seven other members of his wedding party after the group allegedly brawled with another bridal party and police, according to a published report.

The altercation reportedly began with a case of mistaken identity. A member of the second wedding party confronted Fortunato's best man, believing him to be a wedding photographer, who had absconded. The best man allegedly responded with force sparking a bench-clearer.

"Everybody's fighting everybody," White Plains police spokesman Martin Gleeson told the Daily News. "And both brides are kind of walking around helpless like, 'This is my wedding? I can't believe this is happening!'"



Tuesday 30 August 2005, 11:05 pm
Keywords: Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

Starlite Stumblers

Sunday 21 August 2005, 8:42 am
Keywords: Humor , News Articles , Square Dancing
(Link to this article alone)

By George V. Schubel

It all started at the New Dancer dance hosted by the new dancer class of the Starlite Shufflers’ square dance club of Sacramento, California. Three club members (Joyce, Sharon and Betty) asked my wife Patty and I if we would like to join the Starlite Shufflers’ comedy demonstration team, the Starlite Stumblers. I knew they wore a big sack over their heads and it was sure to be hot in there. I get very hot when I dance even without a sack over my head. In fact I think most of the club members knew me as the new guy who always fans himself before they even knew my name.

To get ready for out first performance we would have five Sunday afternoon practice sessions. The first two would be in regular street clothes; the next practice would add the swim flippers. Then there would be one with the sack over my head and the flippers and the last practice would be in full costume with the sack, the jacket with the fake stuffed arms and of course the swim flippers. The large burlap sack had a face on it and the costume made you look like you were 4 feet tall.

Roy and Evelyn, past Stumblers, gave us a beautiful set of matching costumes. I could not resist trying mine on in my house. On went the flippers; over my head went the comic sack head. Inside the sack I held onto the plastic pipe that held up the sack. Patty fastened the fancy jacket with the great false arms around my waist. I tried to walk around in the house, but right off I stepped on the dog and banged into the walls a few times. No doubt about it, I was getting the hang of this. This will be a piece of cake.


North Dakota man wins annual bad-writing contest

Associated Press

Friday 29 July 2005, 11:19 am
Keywords: Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

Her Chest Is Like A Carburetor

SAN FRANCISCO -- A man who compared a woman's anatomy to a carburetor won an annual contest that celebrates the worst writing in the English language.

Dan McKay, a computer analyst at Microsoft Great Plains in Fargo, N.D., bested thousands of entrants from North Pole, Alaska to Manchester, England to triumph Wednesday in San Jose State University's annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.

"As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire," he wrote, comparing a woman's breasts to "small knurled caps of the oil dampeners."

The competition highlights literary achievements of the most dubious sort -- terrifyingly bad sentences that take their inspiration from minor writer Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, whose 1830 novel "Paul Clifford" began, "It was a dark and stormy night."

"We want writers with a little talent, but no taste," San Jose State English Professor Scott Rice said. "And Dan's entry was just ludicrous."

McKay was is in China and could not be reached to comment about his status as a world-renowned wretched writer. He will receive $250.

Rice said the challenge began as a worst paragraph contest, but judges soon realized no one should have to wade through so much putrid prose -- such as this zinger, which took a dishonorable mention.

"The rising sun crawled over the ridge and slithered across the hot barren terrain into every nook and cranny like grease on a Denny's grill in the morning rush, but only until eleven o'clock when they switch to the lunch menu," wrote Lester Guyse, a retired fraud investigator in Portland, Ore.

"That was the least favorite of the five I entered, but you win any way you can," Guyse said.

Ken Aclin, of Shreveport, La., won the Grand Panjandrum's Award for his shocking similes and abusive use of adjectives. He wrote that India "hangs like a wet washcloth from the towel rack of Asia."

"I just saw that washcloth hanging in the shower and it looked like India," he said. "I'll be doggone."

On the Net: http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/

Oregon honors square dance leader on state quarter

Monday 20 June 2005, 4:27 pm
Keywords: Humor , Square Dancing , Round Dancing
(Link to this article alone)

by Hugh Noes, Staff Correspondent

The state of Oregon has selected the portrait of a famous square dancer to appear on their state quarter. They are doing so to celebrate the return of the National Square Dance Convention to Portland on June 22, 2005. The state quarter is being released on June 15.

Thanks to a generous donation by the Portland Oregon Visitor's Association, the NSDC will be able to share this piece of Oregon with registered delegates. Each registration packet will contain one Oregon quarter, along with a brief explanatory note card.

Most state quarter fans look at the wrong side of the coin, the side where bureaucrats use Powerpoint to combine clip-art images of flags, banjos, and birds into insufferable montages of state symbols. In the case of the Oregon quarter, this side consists of a rendering of Crater Lake. This drawing, while better than average for the state quarter series, is really a depiction of a big hole in the ground. This is hardly as scenic as ... um, well ... trying to think of a more scenic Oregon location but coming up blank. Back to that later.

Still, Oregon had the hindsight to select for the "other" side of the coin the greatest influence on square dancing this country has ever known. Few are aware that the "Father of our Country," and our first President, George "Pappy" Washington, was also the one who introduced square dancing into America. After the revolution, he wanted to create a dance form that combined the Schottishes and Quadrilles of the old country, but put a uniqely American stamp on them that would establish the new country's dance identity.

Washington's success was evident in the summer dances he hosted on the large lawn that would eventually become the National Mall. (This was before the Washington Monument was built, of course.) The dances were well attended, and sometimes the hotels could not accommodate the large crowds. In those cases, the President would open the Lincoln Bedroom and other White House facilities for use by the square dancers.

Schwarzenegger asks for special election in support of support square dancing

Monday 13 June 2005, 8:55 pm
Keywords: Humor , Square Dancing
(Link to this article alone)

By Jerry Manders, Night Riders Sacramento Bureau
Posted on Mon, Jun. 13, 2005

SACRAMENTO - California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger went on television statewide Monday to call a rare special election Nov. 8 and ask voters to stop the scourge of gerry-allemanding that has plagued the state for decades.

Gerry-allemanding is a form of redistricting that attempts to put certain undesirables such as square dancers, boy scouts, and Baptists together in the same electoral districts, while putting other undesirables such as movie stars, lawyers, and Congregationalists in other districts.

This ensures that certain districts are easily won by candidates of the Moral Retards party, while other districts are easily won by the Holier Than Thou party. The end result is that incumbent candidates retain their offices indefinitely, or until three strikes or term limits bar them from office.

Square dancers have long complained that gerry-allemanding puts them in districts where the local schools would rather rent space to anti-war demonstrators, drag queens, and tree huggers than to the local square dance club, which would like to put on a wholesome dance.

For example, Stanford Quads, a decidedly left-handed club, has always had difficultly finding a place to dance in a right-wing district.

By outlawing the plague of gerry-allemanding, Schwarzenegger hopes to give square dancers, ham radio operators, and gun owners much more freedom to practice their crazy hobbies.

Michael Jackson to take up square dancing

Monday 13 June 2005, 4:01 pm
Keywords: Humor , Square Dancing
(Link to this article alone)

By Tennessee "Arkie Okie" Slim, Disassociated Press
Posted on Mon., Jun. 13, 2005

SANTA MARIA, Calif. - After a jury acquitted Michael Jackson of all charges on Monday, the embattled entertainer announced that he now intends to take up square dancing as a hobby. Experts have always affirmed that square dancing is a great stress reliever. Jackson spent several days over the last two weeks in emergency rooms with various stress-related ailments.

"I heard that when you go out square dancing, you can take four different people home in just ten minutes," Jackson said, a practice he described as "sweet and not at all sexual."

Screams of joy rang out among a throng of fans outside the courthouse. Fans jumped up and down, hugged each other and threw confetti in celebration of the news.

Some have described Jackson as a humanitarian who wanted to protect kids and give them the life he never had while growing up as a child star. By joining a local central California family square dance club, the "Blue Tail Flies," Jackson hopes to continue being a positive influence on children.

Jackson decided to take part in square dancing because he hoped it would help his image after years of eccentric behavior that included transforming his face through plastic surgery. But not all agreed this would have the intended effect.

Santa Barbara County District Attorney Tom Sneddon sat with his head in his hands. "Square dancing has always attracted its share of weirdos, and Michael Jackson certainly fits right in."

The singer's record label, Epic, has not indicated whether Jackson will record a country album.

Other Michael Jackson news:

Gross ice creams: a taste test

Radar Online

Thursday 2 June 2005, 2:24 pm
Keywords: Humor
(Link to this article alone)

by Bill Vourvoulias

For years now, high-end restaurants have been pushing “savory” (i.e., disgusting) ice creams on us. Well, now it’s payback time.

Flavor: Chocolate Garlic
Rachel, age 8: "It tastes like poop."

Flavor: Haddock
Mason: "Frozen fish crystallizes easily, and the chunks are way too big."

Flavor: Bay Leaf
Penny, age 5: "I’m not going to taste any more."

Flavor: Lox
Alexander, age 10: "You know what this is like? Fear Factor for kids."

Flavor: Durian
Molly, age 6: "Ew. It looks like dog pee. I’m not tasting it."

Flavor: Lobster
Thelonious, age 7: "Run, before he makes us try another!"


Mark says: The Chocolate Garlic flavor was tasted at my favorite ice cream store, Marianne’s Ice Cream, Santa Cruz, California.

Star Wars Photoshop Contest

Thursday 19 May 2005, 11:59 am
Keywords: Humor
(Link to this article alone)

(click on the image to see more entries)

Four more years of Vader

Tuesday 17 May 2005, 1:46 pm
Keywords: Humor
(Link to this article alone)

A funny short movie ...


But ... but ...

Friday 13 May 2005, 11:46 am
Keywords: Humor , Christian Topics
(Link to this article alone)

A Shocking Experience

Thursday 12 May 2005, 11:47 pm
Keywords: Humor , Square Dancing
(Link to this article alone)

We had an interesting tip at Silver State in Reno last weekend. We took an hour out of round dancing to dance in the A2 hall. We were right in the front. Bronc Wise was calling. We were dancing with Wayne and Donna and two other couples we did not know.

The floor was some kind of rubber material. Mary and I were wearing our round dance shoes. (Since the entire hotel is carpeted, it was easy to put on dance shoes in the room, then go anywhere we wanted, including the restaurants.)

Anyway, I found that we were getting shocks from each other while we square danced. Or more accurately, everyone was getting shocks from me (and from whoever I had most recently touched). Figuring that the round dance shoes were a problem, I took them off. One at a time. While Bronc was calling and we were dancing.

It didn't help. It made things worse. We almost started dancing "no hands." I figured the socks were the problem. So I took them off. Again while dancing. Bronc never missed a beat and neither did our square, but I was rushing to catch up for a few calls.

Now things were impossible! The shocks were the worst! What could I do? We were all laughing and screaming at the same time. No one wanted to touch me. Now the hard part. I decided to put the shoes back on, but there was no time to put on the socks first. I got one shoe on, still dancing, carrying the other shoe with me. I couldn't get it on. Dancing with one shoe on, one shoe half on, both laces untied.

But this solved the problem ... no more shocks. Don't ask me to explain why. Polyester socks, maybe?

I guess it wasn't that bad. One of the couples had so much fun they got in our next square ... which wasn't nearly as exciting, but still fun.

Thank God, It's Doomsday

Thursday 12 May 2005, 1:06 am
Keywords: Humor
(Link to this article alone)

Church and politics part 2

Wednesday 11 May 2005, 5:37 pm
Keywords: Humor , Christian Topics , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)


San Jose Mercury News

Tuesday 10 May 2005, 10:14 am
Keywords: Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)


By Marian Liu, Mercury News

Fueled in part by the urge to shatter stereotypes about motherhood, some bands have given themselves names that embrace the good and bad of all things maternal. There is the Oakland punk rock group Placenta, formerly known as the Lactators, and the band that started it all: Housewives on Prozac.

For these women, inspiration lurks even in life's most mundane moments, leading to such fun tunes as "Eat Your Damn Spaghetti" and "Pee Alone."




If Moses had only asked for directions ...

Thursday 5 May 2005, 2:44 pm
Keywords: Humor , Christian Topics
(Link to this article alone)

(click to see more cartoons)

Darth Vader's heart of evil is no match for Hollywood executives'

Monday 2 May 2005, 12:10 pm
Keywords: Humor
(Link to this article alone)


Guess the Google

Monday 25 April 2005, 2:01 pm
Keywords: Humor
(Link to this article alone)

A fun game ... guess the search term that returns the displayed images.


Backup Trauma

Monday 25 April 2005, 1:55 pm
Keywords: Humor
(Link to this article alone)

John Cleese in a very funny advertisement ...

I told you not to press the third button!


Syntax Error

Washington Post, Associated Press

Thursday 21 April 2005, 10:43 am
Keywords: Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

By Robert MacMillan, Washington Post Staff Writer

The Associated Press reported that three graduate students at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology developed a computer program that generates fake research papers loaded with ridiculous gobbledygook -- and got one of the resulting papers accepted at a conference.

"The program, developed by Jeremy Stribling, Max Krohn and Dan Aguayo, generated a paper with the dumbfounding title: 'Rooter: A Methodology for the Typical Unification of Access Points and Redundancy,'" the AP reported. "Its introduction begins: 'Many scholars would agree that, had it not been for active networks, the simulation of Lamport clocks might never have occurred.'"

The program takes its cue from the Mad Libs books that some of us grew up with. It uses sentences from real papers, but fills in blank spots with random gems stolen from academia.

Stribling told the AP that the idea was to expose the conference "as being willing to publish any paper regardless of whether it's been peer-reviewed, which is kind of a dangerous precedent to set."

Here's a sample of what got by the conference reviewers, as posted at Blogcritics.org: "Many physicists would agree that, had it not been for congestion control, the evaluation of web browsers might never have occurred. In fact, few hackers worldwide would disagree with the essential unification of voice-over-IP and public-private key pair. In order to solve this riddle, we confirm that SMPs can be made stochastic, cacheable, and interposable."

MIT prankster Stribling told the AP that the episode highlights a continuing problem in the scientific world: "conferences with low standards that pander to academics looking to pad their resumes [and] harm the reputations of more reputable gatherings."


Sweet Sistine: Popapalooza 2005

Monday 18 April 2005, 11:20 am
Keywords: Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

"They're transubstantialiscious, baby!"


Best Buy Has Man Arrested for Using $2 Bills


Friday 8 April 2005, 5:47 pm
Keywords: Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

Posted by Zonk on Friday April 08

From the buyer-beware dept.

An anonymous reader writes "Mike Bolesta of Baltimore thought he would protest Best Buy's not-so-great customer service and pay his bill with 57 $2 bills. For his trouble he got to spend some time in the county lock-up." From the article: "..Bolesta was contacted by the store, and was threated with police action if he did not pay the [installation] fee he was told before did not exist. As a sign of protest, Bolesta decided to pay using only $2 bills, which he has an abundance of because he asks his bank for them specifically. Unfortunately for him, the cashier did not seem to understand that the $2 bill is indeed legal US tender, since the bill itself is not often used. After rudely refusing to take the money, the cashier accepted the bills, only to mark them as though they were conterfeit."



Here's another similar story, an internet classic, written up in humorous fashion:


Get Perpendicular!

Thursday 7 April 2005, 9:16 pm
Keywords: Humor
(Link to this article alone)

Hitachi achieves industry-leading areal densities via Perpendicular Recording. In March 2005, Hitachi Global Storage Technologies demonstrated an areal density of 230 gigabits per square inch on perpendicular recording technology, the highest areal density achieved to date based on vertical recording. This accomplishment represents a doubling of today’s highest data densities on longitudinal recording technology. At the current rate of growth, Hitachi expects to see products shipping at 230 Gb/in2 in 2007, translating into storage capacities of up to 20 gigabytes on Hitachi’s one-inch Microdrive and up to one terabyte on the Hitachi 3.5-inch Deskstar hard drive.

For a quick and entertaining look at the benefit that perpendicular recording delivers, view our animation "Get Perpendicular."


Don't worry about Fiorina; she has a support network

San Jose Mercury News

Tuesday 15 February 2005, 8:12 pm
Keywords: Humor , Computer Topics , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

Carly calls HP technical support

By Mike Cassidy

Tech guy: Hmmm. Maybe it's an internal conflict.

Fiorina: Internal conflict? What's that supposed to mean?

Tech guy: You know. It's like one bit of the system having a culture clash with another bit.

Fiorina: What are you talking about? Can you fix my problem or not?



One click Absolution! Avoid Hell through HTML.

Saturday 12 February 2005, 9:43 pm
Keywords: Humor , Christian Topics
(Link to this article alone)



Gas Prices

Monday 7 February 2005, 12:25 pm
Keywords: Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

Player Number Two

Associated Press

Wednesday 19 January 2005, 12:42 pm
Keywords: Humor , News Articles
(Link to this article alone)

Associated Press

Game delayed by dog's doings

A stink was raised during halftime of the Detroit Pistons-Orlando Magic NBA game on Tuesday night when the start of the second half was delayed by three minutes after a seeing-eye dog relieved itself on the court.

The dog was with a charity organization, Canine Companions for Independence, that was receiving a $10,000 donation from the Orlando Magic Youth Foundation.

When the Pistons came out for warmups, Rasheed Wallace walked up to the lane where the excrement had fallen, stopped and stared in disbelief. His teammates were just as confused before wide smiles broke out.

A custodian was enlisted to scoop up the mess and wipe up the remains with cleaner, a mop and towels.

What My Mother Taught Me

Saturday 11 December 2004, 2:06 am
Keywords: Humor
(Link to this article alone)

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

And more ...


Boycott Christmas!

Wednesday 1 December 2004, 2:43 pm
Keywords: Humor
(Link to this article alone)


Also: the new movie "Christmas with the Kranks" is based on a very funny novel, "Skipping Christmas" by John Grisham. I hear the movie itself is not so good. Or as my brother might say, "Two stars ... my kind of movie!"

Goblins On The Doorstep

Tuesday 2 November 2004, 1:34 pm
Keywords: Humor
(Link to this article alone)

Two very scary characters approach my door.

"Trick or trick!"

Isn't it a little late? Halloween was two days ago!

"It's never too late until the polls close. Trick or trick!"

Shouldn't that be "trick or treat"?

"I'm here for treats, but he just wants to trick you."
"No, he wants to trick you. Don't listen to him."

You guys come around every four years looking for treats.

"Don't give anything to him. He'll spend it all on pork in other districts."
"Don't give anything to him. He'll spend it on military conquests in other countries."

Those definitely sound like tricks.

"I'll make sure you can get health insurance when you get laid off and go looking for work at Wal*Mart."
"No, he'll make sure that when your job goes overseas, you won't even be able to get work at Wal*Mart."

So, what's the good news?

"He'll destroy our military superiority."
"He'll start drafting you and your children."

Now you're starting to scare me!

"He'll take away your guns."
"He'll teach you all about guns in boot camp!"


"He'll make sure you never see your social security."
"He'll make sure you pay twice as much for social security as you'll ever see."

Go away!

"He'll kill all your unborn babies."
"He'll kill all your teenagers in foreign wars."

Aieee! They're even scarier than last time! Honey! Give them, something, anything, just get rid of them!

"He he he."
"We're gettin' a boatload of loot this time."
"I wonder if mom will let us eat it all tonight?"

Screwy Math

Sunday 31 October 2004, 6:02 pm
Keywords: Bicycle Accident , Humor
(Link to this article alone)

Just a funny little story.

At the first follow-up appointment, I got to see the x-rays after the operation. They showed what looked like large head bolts in my hip. I was surprised how large they were. I thought maybe the x-rays showed a magnified view of my hip.

I told the doctor, the screws look like they are 1/4-inch screws. Without any indication of sarcasm, he said, "No, they are 6.5 millimeter screws."

Doh! Do the math!

(Online Conversion - Common Length Conversions)

Maybe you should sell your bike on ebay

(a reader response)

Saturday 23 October 2004, 7:50 pm
Keywords: Favorites , Bicycle Accident , Humor
(Link to this article alone)

This response from Paul Gaboury:

Hey Mark that sounds like a horrible and painful accident. When I was 65 my dad advised me i was too old to do my lifestyle and slow down. Not knowing how old you are am unable offer clinical advice. At 75 I retired from hockey when had hip replacement but  that was a piece of cake and no pain whatsoever. At 81 quit skiing as couldn't balance--for instance today at 89 walked into a door opening, scraped off a typical elbow scab and bled all over looking for bandaids. Have quit my golf club and square dancing but Dale and I enthused over ballroom dancing--class lessons twice a week, and we go to black tie supper dances once a month.

So think about it. Maybe you should sell your bike on ebay and concentrate on your dancing. Somewhat safer.

Say hi to Mary for us.


Mark says:

Paul, thanks for the best chuckle I've had all week!

Hometown Boy Falls From Bicycle, Scores Guest Appearance On "ER"

Saturday 23 October 2004, 6:26 pm
Keywords: Favorites , Bicycle Accident , Humor
(Link to this article alone)

San Jose - Tuesday October 12, 2004

Milpitas resident Mark "Mixed-Up" Brautigam fell from his bicycle Tuesday near the DMV office in Willow Glen, and was whisked by paramedics to San Jose Hospital for treatment of a hip fracture.

After falling, the intrepid cyclist first called his wife Mary, then called 911, and was able to make one last quick call to Calvary Chapel San Jose before his cell phone battery gave up the ghost. At CCSJ, Mr. Brautigam contacted Kathy Acomb, who immediately organized a prayer watch for the weekly Tuesday evening men's and women's bible studies.

After hauling himself to the sidewalk, but unable to stand, Mr. Brautigam ventured back into the street to retrieve his bicycle, which was hindering traffic. The blocked SUV was driven by a soccer mom, who didn't bother to call 911 because she was late for practice.

Regarding the injured cyclist, Willow Glen merchant E. B. White said, "He's a doofus." Local resident Charles Parham said "He's always been a klutz." Pastor Chuck Smith of Calvary Chapel was reported to have said, "These older guys just have to realize they can't do these tricks forever. At some point they have to make way for the younger folks to take over." Elderly resident Joseph Smith said, "These crazy guys just barrel through here like a bat out of a deep place, knocking everyone else over. He deserved what he got."

The 48 year old Mr. Brautigam, who was going over 2 MPH at the time of the fall, said, "Ow! Ow! Ow!"

Paramedics said the cyclist's injuries looked like bruises but no broken bones. But they took Mr. Brautigam to the San Jose Hospital emergency room, where x-rays revealed a fracture in the neck of the femur. Surgery commenced at 7:00 pm. After being administered a spinal injection, Mr. Brautigam's next words were reportedly "Ow! Ow! Ow!" as surgeons began to slice into the hip muscle. In response to this unforeseen circumstance and the patient's constant humorous chatting with the operating room staff, the doctors administered general anesthesia in order to shut him up.

The patient emerged two and a half hours later with enough titanium in his hip to trip every airport security system between here and Toronto.

Recent word from Hollywood is that Mr. Brautigam's nude scenes on "ER" were left on the cutting room floor. Fortunate indeed.

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Last updated Tuesday 16 June 2015