Date: Thu, 1 Feb 1996 18:18:33 -0500 (EST)
From: "Robert Caldwell (LIS)" [caldwell AT luna.cas.usf.edu]
To: humans AT fish.com
Subject: Wholly Babble


(The following biblical "interpretations" were actual answers from students
compiled by Richard Lederer. They appeared in the December 31, 1995 edition
of "National Review" magazine.)


It is truly astonishing what happens in Bible stories when they
are retold by young scholars around the world:

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of
creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created
from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark,
which the animals came onto in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by 
day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had
trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let
himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the
Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which
is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the
dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten
Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh
Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the
Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when
Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought
with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. 
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in 
the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. 
John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before 
they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone." It 
was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone 
off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles
were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was
by profession, a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony,
which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife.
This is called monotony.

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(The Rev.) D. Andrew Kille (revdak AT netcom.com)
Graduate Theological Union, Berkeley, CA
VOCATUS ATQUE NON VOCATUS, DEUS ADERIT.
Webpage:  ftp://ftp.netcom.com/pub/GT/GTU/homepage.html
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