-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A COLLECTION OF SHORT JOKES
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Remember, the universe is composed of:
13% Electrons,
13% Protons,
14% Neutrons, and
60% Morons.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape
from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the
boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp
vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie did
appear! This particular Genie, however, stated that she could
only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving
much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire
ocean into beer!"
Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash,
and the entire sea turned to the finest brew ever sampled by
mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the sudden
stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The other man looked disgustedly at the one who's wish had been
granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice
going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!!"
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Saul stops at deli in Miami that he's never been in before.
Emil, the owner seats him and sends over the waiter. Saul is
dumbfounded when the obviously Chinese waiter greets him in perfect
Yiddish, takes his order, brings it promptly, and even thanks him for
stopping there.
On the way out, Saul pays the bill and asks Emil "Where did you ever
find an experienced Chinese waiter that speaks Yiddish?"
"Keep your voice down, please. He thinks we're teaching him English..."
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A friend of mine was recently pulled over on her way home from work for
speeding.
The officer approached the car and asked for her license and registration.
Irate at being pulled over, my friend quickly blurted out "I just gave $50
to the Policeman's ball! Doesn't that count for anything anymore?"
Well, the trooper straightened his belt and stood real tall and replied,
"I'm a State Trooper, ma'm. We don't have balls."
She was quickly given a verbal warning and sent on her way.
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Statues of a beautiful naked woman and a handsome naked man stand facing each
other in a park. One day an angel comes down and tells them, "Since you have
both been standing here patiently looking at each other for twenty years
without ever being able to do anything, I am now going to give you fifteen
minutes to be real human beings to do whatever you want."
Suddenly the two statues become flesh and blood. Immediately, they run off
behind some bushes. The angel sees the bushes shaking and hears the loud
rustling of leaves, and lots of giggling. After ten minutes, the man and
woman come out from behind the bushes.
"Your time isn't up yet," the angel says. "You still have five minutes more."
"Oh, great!" they cry, and as they run back behind the bushes, the angel hears
the woman say to the man, "Okay, this time *you* hold the pigeons and *I'll*
shit on their heads!"
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Newsgroups: alt.conspiracy.netcom
From: hsdg AT netcom.com (Bob Lange)
Subject: Re: Socks and Shoes Poll
Eric Wilner (eric AT iptcorp.com) wrote:
: olin AT netcom.com (B.W. 'Ollie' Olin) writes:
: : How do you dress your feet?
: :
: : A) Sock, Shoe, Sock, Shoe
: : B) Sock, Sock, Shoe, Shoe
: C) Sandal, Sandal
: D) Sock, Sock, Boot, Sock, Sock, Boot
: E) Sock, Shoe, Peg
: F) Desenex, Sock, Desenex, Sock, Shoe, Shoe
G) Leg, Sock, Shoe, Sock, Shoe
H) Sock, Shoe, Leg, Sock, Shoe
I) Sock, Remove, Turn Right Side Out, Drink Coffee, Sock....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
RING
RING
CLICK
Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press.
No one will answer.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The same old standard phonetic alphabet (which you
would use to describe spelling "Wilson" as "Whiskey, India,
Lima, Sierra, Oscar, November") has been used by aircraft
pilots, millitary personnel, and many others for many years
now. So, I finally decided to come up with something a bit
more "original" for those people who annoy me:
A Are N Nine
B Bee O Owe
C Cite P Pseudonym
D Double-U Q Queue
E Eye R Rap
F Five S Sea
G Genre T Tsunami
H Hoe U Understand?
I I V Vie
J Junta W Why
K Knot X Xylophone
L Lye Y You
M Me Z Zero
People don't ask me to spell anything over the phone anymore.
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From: at425 AT yfn.ysu.edu (Tom Salyers)
Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.tv.babylon5
Subject: Re: Support for Fuller et al.
In a previous article, kemaris AT winternet.com (Teresa Lhotka) says:
> As a person with a batchelor's in English, I have a great deal of
> experiance with critisism, both giving and recieveing. Critisism is a
> reasoned, informed deconstruction and description of technique, mode, mood
> and quality. It places a work within a genre and context, and relates it's
> impact on the audience.
Bachelor's. Experience. Criticism. Receiving. Its.
Hope you kept the receipt on that degree.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many Newton users does it take to change a lightbulb?
Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
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Henry Choy [choy AT skorpio3.usask.ca] wrote:
>I defy anyone to exhibit good documentation of poor software.
"This software doesn't work. Please do not use it."
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A Short History of Medicine
I have an earache:
2000 B.C. -Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. -That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. -That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. -That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. -That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. -That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
First, God created the Irish. He said to himself, "These people
are fun. They're very fun. But I *don't* want them to *ever*
rule the world." So to handicap them, He gave them Whisky.
Then God created the Scots. He said to himself, "These people
are almost as much fun as the Irish. But I don't want them to
ever the world, either." So to handicap them, He gave them Kilts
and Bagpipes.
Then God created the Welsh. He took one look at them, and said,
"No way!!". So to handicap them, He gave them the Welsh Language.
Finally, God created the English. And for the smallest possible
moment in time, He was worried. For he knew that these people
would come closer to ruling the world than any of the others. So
he realized that he needed to give them a great handicap. So He
gave them ... the Irish, Scots, and Welsh.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two diehard golfers are out playing a round when a thunderstorm
comes roaring in. On the third tee, a bolt of lighting comes down
and stikes the golfers dead..
Arriving at those pearly gates, God comes down to talk to
the 2 men.
"Sorry, but we made a mistake" says God, "it seems that it
was not your time to die. Now I can send you back but you have
to go back as someone different, it is just too confusing since
they all ready had the funeral. In fact your wife is already
dating" he says to one of the golfers.
After two golfer have a little talk they approach God and
request "we decided we want to go back as a couple of
dykes" ask the first golfer, "good looking dykes if you
please" says the second.
"I can send you back as dykes" replies God "but I must
know why you guys want to be dykes"
"Well we figure if we go back as dykes we still get to
eat pussy" says the first golfer, "plus we get to tee off
from the woman's tee".
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Top Ten USENET Newsgroups You'd Like to See
10) rec.topten.obsessive-compulsive.addict
9) alt.president.kibo
8) alt.sci.physics.new-theories.o.j.simmpson.never.happened
7) alt.fan.ceiling
6) alt.ctrl.del
5) alt.here.are.the.answers.to.your.homework
4) alt.rec.comp.sci.biz.bio.soc.talk (save spammers the trouble)
3) alt.support.T3.envy
2) alt.flame.retardants
1) alt.lottery.next-weeks-numbers
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From: leppik AT seidel.ncsa.uiuc.edu (Peter Leppik)
Subject: Reminder: Group meeting tomorrow
Date: Sat, 5 Aug 95 19:30:03 EDT
[This is an announcement I sent to our research group yesterday]
Reminder: There is a group meeting tomorrow, Friday July 28th, at 11 AM, in
the usual place. Wai-Mo Suen will be speaking.
As you were probably unaware, Wai-Mo is a Mad Scientist masquerading as a
normal member of our group. At this group meeting, he will reveal his
Secret Plans for dominating the entire planet, proving once and for all
that he is an Evil Genius on par with the best. His strangely twisted
theories are far too unconventional to be accepted by the pathetic idiots
who pass themselves off as "scientists." Indeed, we can probably expect
Wai-Mo to treat us to a passionate speech ending with the phrase, "Fools!
I'll destroy you all!" (though Wai-Mo will probably say it with an accent).
The meeting will end when a muscular young man with an astonishing tan
breaks down the door to the meeting room, and destroys Wai-Mo's apparatus
of doom.
At tomorrow's group meeting, we will also learn the risks of describing the
topic of one's presentation as "To Be Announced."
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The official South Texas College of Law Joke:
Did you hear about the smart lawyer?
His client was charged with sodomy and he got it reduced to "Following Too
Closely."
Yeah, I know, law students will laugh at anything in their desperation.
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A young man goes to the drug store to buy a package of condoms for the
first time. He is, of course, somewhat bashful about the situation as he
asks the pharmacist for a package. The pharmacist, being an understanding
fellow asks, "Well, son, would you like a 3 pack, a 6 pack or a 12 pack?"
The boy stammers "Sir, what would you suggest?"
The druggist replies "Well, the 3 pack, that's usually what the high school
kids get - one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday. And the
6 pack - that's what the college kids buy - 2 for Friday, 2 for Saturday, and
2 for Sunday. And the 12 pack - that's what the married folks buy - one for
January, one for February....."
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A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist
says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young
man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while
and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's
"the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're
going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.
Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give
me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later
that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her
parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He
begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The
girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a
religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me
that your father is a pharmacist."
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I don't think this originates with him, but a psychology professor of mine
used to say something like the following in the neuropsychology section of
his intro course:
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in
many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls
the "Four F's":
1. fighting;
2. fleeing;
3. feeding; and
4. mating.
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Though the walls of our apartment complex aren't particularly thin, the
floors and ceilings act as amplifiers. One night, several months ago, my
wife and I were lying in bed. Noticing the repeated constant sound of a bed
scooting along the floor and a headboard banging against a wall, we became
aware that the occupants of the bedroom directly were doing more than tossing
and turning in their sleep. This went on for some time. Later we described
the event to our friends.
US: "For the first five minutes, it was funny and kind of embarrassing that
we could hear them so well.
"After about ten minues, it became really annoying.
"After fifteen minutes, it was getting very frustrating because it was
keeping us from going to sleep..."
FRIENDS: "And then?"
US: "And then after twenty straight minutes...Okay, after twenty minutes it
was pretty damn impressive."
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This was in an article in today's "The Southland Times".
I've changed the names.
[Photo of couple exchanging a single long stemmed rose while
sitting on park bench]
Sweethearts Mary and Brian, planning to be married on
Saturday, illustrate the traditional spirit of Valentine's
Day in Queens Park yesterday.
Mary: "We decided to get married close to Valentine's Day
because it was so romantic."
Brian: "I just do what I'm told."
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Top 10 reasons computers are male
===========================
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter
Here's the quid pro quo:
Top 10 reasons compilers must be female:
========================================
10. Picky, picky, picky.
9. They hear what you say, but not what you mean.
8. Beauty is only shell deep.
7. When you ask what's wrong, they say "nothing".
6. Can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.
5. Always turning simple statements into big productions.
4. Smalltalk is important.
3. You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.
2. They make you take the garbage out.
1. Miss a period and they go wild
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There once was a Scottish musician
Who preferred 69 to coition.
Said he, with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
"It's all part of our oral tradition".
-- overheard at Pinewoods, once upon a time
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To my knowledge, Ray has only said one really funny thing in his
life. This is an account of that moment.
Ray, Mike and Tim are in the Tiki (a bar) when a woman comes over
to where they are sitting to order a drink. She says (to Mike): "You are
rather heavily." Mike replies: "I'm the designated drinker." Tim had a
coke in front of him and said: "I'm the designated driver. To which ray
said: "And I'm the designated hitter. So... Do you come here often?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a bar and hears piano music. He looks at the piano and
can't see anyone sitting there, so he walks over and discovers a foot-tall
man standing on the piano bench playing the tune of Dixie-Girl. The man
thought that this was strange so he goes over to the bartender and asks
where the man came from.
"Here," says the bartender, handing the man a genie lamp, "rub this."
So the man rubs the lamp and out comes this genie.
"What do you wish for?" asks the genie.
"A million bucks," the man states, quite sure of himself.
"Granted." And the genie claps his hands and disappeared back into the lamp.
The man looks around, checks his wallet but can't find a million bucks
anywhere. Just that moment, a million ducks fly through the bar.
Astounded the man says: "Hey! I didn't ask for a million ducks!"
"Do you think that I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" replied the bartender.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bald nun, a gay lawyer, and a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast walk into a
bar. The bartender says, "This has got to be the weirdest joke I've
ever been in..."
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THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person giving you candy doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex...
1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT,YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!
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Some years ago my son and his friend were playing an
early Adventure on a TRS-80. The jewels to be collected
were in a throne room at the edge of a cliff and the
room was guarded by a bear. Using all the various tools,
weapons, and spells at their command they were unable to
get rid of the bear.
This went on for some 20 minutes or so. Finally in
frustration they entered: "Fuck bear!"
The program's response was: "Bear is so startled it falls
off cliff."