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           Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood
           _Reposted_ from alt.education.disabled...
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There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who 
lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare 
plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone 
took the time to study them.

      Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes 
referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term 
that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological 
link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal 
value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was
the impression conveyed.

      One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically 
grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.  "But mother, 
won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled 
for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people 
in the woods?"

      Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the 
union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

      "But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

      Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for 
women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed
until all women were free.

      "But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket,
since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be
oppressed?"

      And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was 
attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't 
stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help 
engender a feeling of community.

      "But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's 
sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"

      But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother 
wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any 
way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were 
inferior to what some people called "health".

      Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea 
of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

      Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and 
dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational 
fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society 
that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence 
believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

      Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and 
deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society 
all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and 
be accepted as valid  lifestyle role models.

      On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a 
woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some 
flowers.

      She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, 
who asked her what was in her basket.

      Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to 
strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own destiny,
and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

      She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks 
in a gesture of solidarity."

      The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little 
girl to walk through these woods alone."

      Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in 
the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status 
as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to 
develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if 
you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."    

      Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded 
towards her Grandmother's house.

      But because his status outside society had freed him from 
slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of 
a quicker route to Grandma's house.

      He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action 
affirmative of his nature as a predator.

      Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, 
he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and 
awaited developments .

      Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have 
brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of
wise and nurturing matriarch."

      The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you"

      Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

      "You forget that I am optically challenged."

      "And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

      "Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, 
but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

      "And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

      The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, 
and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped 
out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so
wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.

      "Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely 
shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding to a new 
level of intimacy!"

      The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened 
his grasp on her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the 
cottage, brandishing an ax.

      "Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

      "And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding 
Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of 
confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem 
and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

      "Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered 
species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when 
Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced 
off her head.

      "Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The 
brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

      "No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. 
"I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those 
protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. 
Do you have any aspirin?"

      "Sure," said the Wolf.

      "Thanks."

      "I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper
on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you 
have any Maalox?"

                                  -Another good one by K. Hopkins