Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny.reruns
Subject: The Computer Expert's Glossary
From: Jeff AT malibu.sedd.trw.com (Jeff Pesis)
Date: Sun, 28 Sep 97 19:20:03 EDT



ADA

    Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in 
    Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop 
    an ADA awareness."

Bug

    An elusive creature living in a program that makes it 
    incorrect. The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs 
    from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not 
    when the bugs are removed.

Cache

    A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer 
    that no one is supposed to know is there.

Design

    What you regret not doing later on.

Documentation

    Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for 
    English speaking persons.

Economies of scale

    The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if 
    you want a certain amount of computer power, it is much 
    better to buy one biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted 
    as an article of faith by people who love big machines and 
    all that complexity. Rejected as an article of faith by those 
    who love small machines and all those limitations.

Hardware

    The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Information Center

    A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is 
    to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.

Information Processing

    What you call data processing when people are so disgusted 
    with it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.

Machine-independent program

    A program that will not run on any machine.

Meeting

    An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide 
    what person or department not represented in the room must 
    solve the problem.

Minicomputer

    A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a 
    middle-level manager.

Office Automation

    The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office 
    by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.

On-line

    The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a 
    computer.

Pascal

    A programming language named after a man who would turn over 
    in his grave if he knew about it.

Performance

    A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. 
    Or rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was 
    rumored to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.

Priority

    A statement of the importance of a user or program. Often 
    expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user 
    doesn't care when the work is completed so long as he is 
    treated less badly than someone else.

Quality control

    Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of 
    hand and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.

Regression analysis

    Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things 
    are getting worse.

Strategy

    A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until 
    sometime after those creating it have left the organization.

Systems programmer

    A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the 
    senior vice president and is ultimately responsible for a 
    phone call you are to receive from your boss. (my favorite!)