Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny.reruns
From: stuart AT wotan.hq.ileaf.com (Stuart Freedman)
Subject: An alternate view of the universe
Date: Sat, 27 Sep 97 19:20:03 EDT


[Ed:  There are a zillion of these computer glossaries floating around,
but this one was actually amusing.]


beta test, v.

    To voluntarily entrust one's data,
    one's livelihood and one's sanity to hardware or software
    intended to destroy all three.  In earlier days, virgins were
    often selected to beta test volcanos.

bit, n.

    A unit of measure applied to color.
    Twenty-four-bit color refers to expensive $3 color as opposed
    to the cheaper 25 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be
    available a few years ago.

buzzword, n.

    The fly in the ointment of computer
    literacy.

clone, n.

    1.  An exact duplicate, as in "our product
    is a clone of their product."  2.  A shoddy, spurious copy,
    as in "their product is a clone of our product."

enhance, v.

    To tamper with an image, usually to its
    detriment.

genlock, n.

    Why he stays in the bottle.

guru, n.

    A computer owner who can read the manual.

handshaking protocol, n.

    A process employed by
    hostile hardware devices to initiate a terse but civil
    dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by occasional
    misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.

italic, adj.

    Slanted to the right to emphasize key
    phrases.  Unique to Western alphabets; in Eastern languages,
    the same phrases are often slanted to the left.

Japan, n.

    A fictional place where elves, gnomes and
    economic imperialists create electronic equipment and
    computers using black magic.  It is said that in the capital
    city of Akihabara, the streets are paved with gold and
    semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from which they are
    harvested by the happy natives.

kern, v.

    1.  To pack type together as tightly as the
    kernels on an ear of corn.  2.  In parts of Brooklyn and
    Queens, N.Y., a small, metal object used as part of the
    monetary system.

modem, adj.

    Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in
    "Thoroughly Modem Millie."  An unfortunate byproduct of
    kerning.

pixel, n.

    A mischievous, magical spirit associated
    with screen displays.  The computer industry has frequently
    borrowed from mythology:  Witness the sprites in computer
    graphics, the demons in artificial intelligence, and the
    trolls in the marketing department.

prototype, n.

    First stage in the life cycle of a
    computer product, followed by pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release
    version, corrected release version, upgrade, corrected
    upgrade, etc.  Unlike its successors, the prototype is not
    expected to work.

revolutionary, adj.

    Repackaged.

Unix, N.

    A computer operating system, once thought
    to be flabby and impotent, that now shows a surprising
    interest in making off with the workstation harem.