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                          Deep Thoughts
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ON METAPHYSICS

 Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked 
 in the head like this before.


ON HAPPINESS

 A day without sunshine is like night. 


ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES

 There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane".  If 
 you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take 
 it back and demand a refund?


ON HIGHER EDUCATION

 College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there 
 to drink.


ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS

 A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform. 


ON STEVEN KING

 Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not 
 true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk.
  -- Steven King, 3/8/90


ON PROBLEM SOLVING

 When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to 
 resemble a nail.
  -- Abraham Maslow


ON MATERIALISM

 He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead. 


ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES

 Photons have mass?  I didn't know they were Catholic! 


ON INFINITY

 If you had everything, where would you keep it? 


ON EDUCATION

 I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because 
 someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at 
 the top.
  -- English Professor, Ohio University 


ON REVISIONIST HISTORY

 What was sliced bread the greatest thing since? 


ON DATING

 When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the 
 occasional division by zero.


ON POETIC LOVE

 When you're swimmin' in the creek
 And an eel bites your cheek
 That's a moray!
  -- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers


ON MODERNISM

 Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
 A: Two.  One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub 
    with brightly colored machine tools.


ON MATERIAL SCIENCE

 Character density:  The number of very weird people in the office. 


ON EXTINCTION

 Save the whales.  Collect the whole set. 


ON LITERATURE

 This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly.  It should be 
 thrown with great force.
  -- Dorothy Parker


ON HUMILITY

 To err is human, to moo bovine.


ON EXPLANATION OF THE END

 ... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire
 was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful 
 termination of their C programs.
  -- Robert Firth


ON PROPHECY

 The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. 


ON EXCUSES

 I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.  -- Joe Walsh 


ON NUMBERS

 Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for very large 
 values of 2.


ON WORLD POLITICS

 Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find 
 a rock.


AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND SOFTWARE DEVELOPMENT

 There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and 
 UNIX.  We don't believe this to be a coincidence.